Thursday, December 10, 2009
you took a hammer to these walls.
Ostensibly, the little boy did his best in mending his doll (yes that was only what it seemed like). she had a scarred face and broken smile, she knew she was nowhere near beautiful. which ugly doll was ever worthy? but she could still feel blood rushing through her veins with every dollbeat. she pressed on just so she could be with her owner forever. just as her smile was near completion, she heard her boy tell his neighbour's doll that his own doll actually deserved having such an ugly face because she had to be punished for trying to run over to the toy factory down the road- when she actually wanted to show that factory owner her doll tag, the tag that stated she already belonged to a household up that street. and when the little boy found out the truth he was full of remorse, he desperately tried to paint a smile on her nicely mended face, but the doll couldnt bring herself to trust that he truly wanted her back. it seemed like the doll next door or perhaps even any old doll picked up along the street were far more alluring. the poor doll felt herself becoming just an ordinary doll and somehow her blood stopped flowing and so the complete smile he so forcibly painted on her mended face never felt warm, and the scars on her heart started to show on her false lips. and eventually, no paint at all was suitable for her cold, hard face.
because our love was built on mistrust. i trusted from the start. i believed. but the response from you? doubt. insecurity. suspiscion. naturally, whatever trust and faith i had, however strong, were painfully eroded. then you had to cruelly expose your mistrust in me. and everything else just collasped uncontrollably, and it was then that it all made sense - no i still didnt understand how could you be so heartless, but it was clear that you had been working on the sly. and dishonesty is Odious. it Disgusts me. the last time i gave a second chance, he blew it. and he screwed up the third, too. as my heart wrenched in pain, i was swearing away. this couldnt be happening to me again. whatever happened to love and loyalty? loyalty. do you even have any idea what hurt feels like? not hurt in that sense, but hurt stemmed from the revelation of betrayal. do you? the issue here is not just about making me feel more incompetent than mediocre standards, but more so about ever so graciously announcing, " yes i think she will never match up to you, because everything about her is pretense."
you stepped on me so bad this time, futile attempts to get my heart pumping again just make this perceived faith so laughable.
So how do you rebuild a magnificent building on loose soil?
It's a beautiful disguise.